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Friday, March 8, 2013

Let's talk about..... SECKS!

Sex! Yep, I said it. It's the one thing that pretty much everyone is doing (whether they should be or not) and NOBODY wants to talk about it. That's fine and understandable... after all, there are a lot of things I don't want my kids to overhear and consequently have to explain to them. But the BAD thing about no one speaking about sex is that sex is just another aspect of our lives where we may need to seek help from others.
Sex between a husband and wife is like a sacred bond - one that can be damaged, or lacking, or perfect, or healed. When we, as Christians, find that our sex lives are not as they should be, we have limited options for whom we can converse with on the topic. And what about when we have a question about the spiritual aspect of sex? The only option I've really seen, personally, is to read a LaHaye book. Those folks seem to have no problem talking about it!
There are plenty of very simple questions regarding marital sex. Most of them begin with "is it 'okay' to...."
I don't know what people's obsession is with asking "is it okay." But there it is. Christians have questions and they don't all feel comfortable asking their pastors if pornography is okay, if you include your spouse.

The majority of Christians can't shake the feeling that sex is perverted, even in a marital bed. Why? Probably because sex is perverted. It's been perverted by a society that invites the philosophy of "if it makes you feel good do it"...even if it's not with your spouse. Well-meaning Christians are still reaping the repercussions of the sinful acts that have become the norm - to the point that they are "afraid" their sexual acts are going to be sinful.

Please understand me - I don't just walk around telling everyone about my sex life. I don't share graphic details about what happens behind closed doors. But truth be told, my husband and I have sex. And it's normal, and it's okay, and it's what Jesus expects. Christians should not be ashamed of their marital relations, and they should not be too shy to ask for help when it's needed.


When we were dating, my husband and I obviously *wanted* to have sex with each other. That's just nature at work. Prior to that, I had had sexual thoughts about other people. So had he. We were not "pure" and had sinfully defiled what would be our marriage bed when the time came. What? Thinking about sex with someone you aren't married to is defiling the marriage bed? That's such an extreme interpretation of what is written in the bible!! Yes, yes it is. But it also is written there (Matthew 5:28 - But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.) so I can't help it if someone disagrees. After repentance, we were good to go, and yeah - we have been married for seven years and have four kids so obviously we have had sex. As time wears on, the initial desire for sex with your spouse can change. As great as it is, sometimes life gets in the way. I get stressed out, he gets stressed out, I have issues with depression, we have kids trying to charge into our bedroom every single night. It is during times like this that the significance of sex in a marriage is most recognizable. It's a chance to recharge, not just physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. It's the best way to instantly feel reconnected, both to your spouse and to God.I know it totally eeks some people out to think of God being a powerful force in the bedroom. I have actually known some people to find it blasphemous to think of God being even remotely related to any sexual experience. The fact is, God created us to be able to have sex - it was part of his divine purpose for marriage.

Gen 2:24 ~ Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

 So then why do so many people feel that God should be pushed out of the sexual equation? It's not Clark Kent and Superman - the two can and should coexist.
A marriage that puts Christ at the center is usually blessed with a good sex life. I don't think that is a coincidence. Being able to be "one flesh" with our spouses is something that we should (often) thank God for when we pray. Sex, after all, helps to keep Christian marriages functional.

With sex being a God-given gift between husband and wife, a way to connect on a spiritual level, why are so many Christians still assuming that sex is a shameful act that should never be discussed?

The only instance I can think of that would make it an act of sin to discuss your sex life would be if you were doing it to tempt someone. If a woman started graphically describing a particular sex act to someone else to make their minds wander, that would definitely not be okay. But for the sake of seeking advice in the bedroom, why shouldn't questions be asked?

Some questions about marital sex are way way way too obvious. I saw an episode of the 700 club once where the person asked something along the lines of, "My husband says it will strengthen our marriage if we have a threesome."

Common sense answer - no. Adding an extra woman to the equation, although I'm sure your husband would be grateful, would be defiling the marriage bed. Also, you should probably pray for him.

Another question that I see arise all the time is:

"Is it okay to look at pronography if - "
If your spouse tells you that you can? If your spouse looks at it with you? If your spouse is denying you sex?

This does not always have an "easy" answer to interpret. But, the answer is always no. Pornography is not a grey area. Even if everyone is okay with it, pornography in itself is spiritually immoral. Let's look at it for what it is. It is watching other people involved in sex acts, i.e. involving others in your marital bed. I'm not the type to buy into all the Christian-hype and blow things out of proportion. I don't think that looking at pornography or even having an addiction to it makes you the worst type of Christian, or beyond healing. It is the same as the person who says "No, I didn't eat that cookie," when really, they did.

This is a question that many Christians would benefit from asking, if they had someone to ask.

Many Christians have much more difficult questions - like wanting to know what is going wrong in a certain aspect of their sex lives or trying to figure out how to get the spark back in it. These are questions that can generally be asked anywhere, but they are best answered by a fellow Christian with the same desire and understanding of the Lord's will for us. It's not exactly the answer you are looking for when you want to liven up the bedroom and a counselor tells you that you should try engaging in group sex. At times like this it is so helpful to have a like-minded person to discuss your problems neutrally with.

More often than not though, the questions are concerning which sex acts are "acceptable" between a husband and wife. Some Christians wonder if oral sex is "perverted." Some have heard from one source or another that anal sex or sex during menstruation are considered "sinful." Some think that "lusting" after your own spouse is a spiritual offense.Some wonder if it's okay to use adult toys with their spouse.

An undefiled marriage bed is one that exists between a married man and woman. No one else. So pornography, adultery, multiple partners, etc, would negate that. That being said, anything consented upon by both parties would be considered fair game, as far as I understand it, as long as it follows the biblical command to love and respect each other. For example, I would say oral sex is definitely okay, unless it compromises the spouse. A spouse could potentially be compromised by the proposition if (s)he felt uncomfortable trying it, due to any number of reasons. In other words, If it is not aiming to fulfill the sexual needs of the spouse, but being pushed on them with a selfish desire, then *any* act could become a sinful (not to mention, just plain undesirable!) one. All things between willing spouses within the sanctity of marriage is generally an acceptable thing to do.

Of course, if you still are unsure, pray about it! God is always open to our questions. And study the scripture for yourself. The answers are often written there, and with a little prayer for clarity, can easily be discerned.

If you have questions, feel free to email me or comment! Or message me on facebook - I am more than willing to discreetly answer your questions to the best of my ability. Don't be afraid to reach out if you have questions about your sex life, whether it's "is this okay?" or "how can we make sex better?" The Lord intended for us to thoroughly enjoy our spouses. That is something no one should be ashamed of. I'm certainly not, in case you couldn't tell!









1 comment:

  1. This is the most boring blog I've ever read in my life. Also terribly conservative. Also, still boring.

    ReplyDelete


"Jesus cannot forget us; we have been graven on the palms of his hands." - Lois Picillo